first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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