Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
It's raining beautiful colors and I don't know what the fuck is going on
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Randomize
