1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
He just showed up. He's like 5'8 and brought a beer pong table that has " I love gay boys" on it. How could this go wrong
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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