Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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