i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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