someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Randomize
