cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Randomize
