I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I met the friendliest cop last night
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
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