Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
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