Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
