Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
She's like a pop up book from hell.
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
