I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I woke up not knowing what state I was in. Turns out, people from Deleware are pretty helpful.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
