Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
Randomize
