My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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