zippers are such a cool invention
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
