hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I think the only option is to smoke so much weed I just pass out for 3 days.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
