I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
So. Um. Hypothetically speaking...how would one get a squirrel out of the house?
Randomize
