(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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