I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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