Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
The chlamydia really affected his face.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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