So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
He said "you speak American pretty good for a Canadian" and it took everything in me to still fuck him. Dry spell ended btw
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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