If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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