I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
