I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
