I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
Randomize
