Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
my phone needs a breathalizer
3 st and 6 ave. One dollar pitchers. Look out world.
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Randomize
