i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
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