they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
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