This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Randomize
