rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Randomize
