On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
I just experienced a full blown christian wedding. I am SO GLAD YOUR WEDDING WASNT THIS.
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
