I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
