We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
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