Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
