When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
His nipple licking is glorious
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
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