can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
