Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
