mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
I spent a large portion of the night trying unsuccessfully to keep hayley (who was wearing a dress and no underwear) from doing handstands, but yea it was fun. the boys had fun
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
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