omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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