You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize