we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
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