I know I'm not learning anything when I can't even spell the name of the class I'm taking
This house was built for laser tag.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
