first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
