You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
Everyone was hooking up and I was just by myself rolling around in the grass at one point ... Which I am allergic to.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
