every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize