I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Talk about an dramatic entrance, girl rolled up on a stolen bike and was wearing heels and a dress, through it on the ground and said "you guys want a bike?" Of course i jumped on that shit, any sane person would!
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Randomize