Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
she's throwing knives it scares me
update: broke ceiling. glass everywhere
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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