I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
