Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
Randomize
