i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you
Those had pot in them
And good luck on your interview asshole
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
