Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
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