Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?
our generation is not ready to get married
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
