i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
It's almost like sex was the ice breaker and now we're sociable at the gym
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
