exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
