i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
