Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
It's official drugs can't kill me
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I have already put on my inside pants.
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
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