Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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