My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
