Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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